shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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