when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Randomize
