those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize