I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Randomize
