If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize