Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
