Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
