don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Also, any YOLOwl-related sex photos will result in you winning ten orgasms, courtesy of myself, as well as sweets and bacon-based dinner. All entrants welcome
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
