It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize