This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Randomize
