My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
