its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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