It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
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