it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
