dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
We had to coat check the pizza.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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