my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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