The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize