a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
