it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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