How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize