would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
