My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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