You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
