i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
