Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
