I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
