How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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