so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
