Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
