Your face is a jimmy john
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Randomize
