why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
