she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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