JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
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