Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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