Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
where are my eyebrows?
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