i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
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