Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
My vagina just clenched in fear
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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