Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
