I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize