Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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