Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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