Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
