I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
