oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Randomize
