I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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