Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
