yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
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