he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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