Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
