Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
It doesn't have to be a walk of shame...just pretend he took you to breakfast.
No one shows this much boob at breakfast
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
