onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
They have beer where we have blood.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Randomize
