She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize