hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
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