There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
