Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
